Or so it seems while within the feeling, the state of mind, the world. It was a world I didn’t realize I lived in until I started to climb out. It was my world off and on for the years leading up to around winter 2015. Not connecting to people. Feeling disconnected. Two years ago, with the help of a mentor, I was able to step forward. To dive into myself, my true self. The Big Self, so to speak. I began to talk openly with that Self, myself. I learned to let go. I learned to open up to Love and to release my debilitating anger and self-pity. I let go of who I thought I was and who I assumed people thought I was. Those rules didn’t matter. We start NOW. It didn’t matter if I had been negative, if NOW I decided to be positive. It didn’t matter if I hadn’t become a success, if NOW I committed to working toward a dream. Moving forward, and maintaining a forward-moving mindset. That’s the key. You can’t say you won’t enjoy a future experience by what you think of it now, or that you won’t be able to do something, because you aren’t capable right now, and you can’t say you won’t get out a mental state simply because you feel stuck in it NOW. We are not limited by these parameters. We are un-limited. We are more than our current circumstances, we are more than the past year or couple years, we are more than our mood or funk or mental state.
From old Me to a newer Me starting in 2016, from the darkest negativity to lightest positivity, from this place Luno! was born. He gave me something to work on, to work for, and to work towards. Thank you to everyone who has guided little Luno along, who has bought a copy, who has told a friend to order one, and to the bookstores who have invited me to share my story, specifically Malaprop’s Bookstore in Asheville, NC this Monday.
Out of this re-awakening came a new lease on life. I will never forget this feeling of having been released from prison. I was crystal clear. I had an urgency to earn my place in the world, to earn the love I had been given, and to give it back and pay it forward. I felt distinctly like I had almost died, and this urgency extended into feeling like I had one shot here at living. I know that some feelings and realizations fade, and this one does flicker sometimes, but most days, I am massively lucky and thankful that I remember. Most days I wake up and remember my near-death experience that never happened, the re-igniting of my inner fire. And on those mornings, and all mornings, I wake up, I breath, and I welcome the day.
I plan to continue opening up and sharing about what specific things “saved my life.” In the interim, here’s a summary. Although I had meditated off an on for years, it was never consistent. Daily or twice-daily meditation saved my life. Plain and simple. Quiet meditation is great, but not always the most effective for self-healing and furthering self-expression. So, I began to do Affirmations, spoken aloud to myself. These were pep-talks or pep-words, such as “I am Positive, I am Passionate, I am Peaceful.” I mixed in things that I certainly was (ex. Passionate) with things I envisioned myself becoming (ex. I am Positive. Before that I was cripplingly negative.) and things that were somewhere on the path of becoming true (ex. Peaceful.) These affirmative self-talks cured me of negative self talk and most often became really intense positive shouting matches with myself. I got into what I call “Preacher Mode,” into a powerful and what some would call divinely inspired state, a flow state. I felt the energy of the crowd, without the crowd, if that helps clarify. Positive self-talks saved my life. I began connecting with another human being on a daily basis, whether in person (my mentor, at the time) or on the phone (my family members and later, random people from my past). The requirement? Openness, honesty, and a quest for a deeper level of conversation. 1-2 hours of connecting on a deep level with another human being. It will save your life.
More to come.